It’s a funny thing about free time; too much of it can feel awfully restricting. At school I fantasize constantly about empty hours and a blank schedule. When I’m sweating deadlines and skipping sleep, images of a cozy bed and a good book dance in my head (and the dance can get louder and louder, like flamenco inside my skull). When you don’t have something, it can be all you want. And here at Wash. U., I want free time badly.

But here’s the funny (or sad) part: this past summer I had loads of free time. I was working eight hours a day, but I came home to my quiet TV-less rented room each day and faced several long hours chock full of nothing. These were homework-free hours that sometimes tied me up in knots.

I’m not sure what it is that can make so much free time so daunting. Maybe I just choked on the pressure to use it well. Yep, that’s right, I used it poorly (at least at first). I had to make a tremendous effort to do the exciting or constructive things I envisioned for such a rare opportunity. I kept thinking, who knows when I’ll have so much time to myself again? I read like crazy but frankly it was a struggle to do any of the ten thousand wonderful things a person can do by herself.

I knew I shouldn’t waste such precious free time, so why was I so often tempted to stare at a wall or stare at Facebook or wait for an e-mail? Instead of counting my lucky stars and going for it, I was counting down the hours until going to bed. Pretty pathetic, but I’d like to think I can blame it on a lack of practice. How many times in your life have you had large chunks of time with no one around, no TV, no work to do and no car? Seems pretty clear now that savoring quiet solitude is something that has to be learned. You have to fight for freedom in your free time and not indulge your more indolent inclinations.

I think I’m better at fighting that battle now, but this past summer was a bruising discovery of how totally dependent I can be on other people for entertainment. And if I don’t have people, I usually have a TV. Without either, things can get pretty lonely. But I shouldn’t have been lonely. I’ve always considered myself a private person. I’m OK with my own company. But I think college classes, dorms and parties can make you forget how to be comfortable on your own. Daily 24-7 exposure to so many people can leave you feeling antsy on your lonesome. You have to stay calm to enjoy free time on your own. You have to work at it.

So don’t be surprised if when you face the limitless possibilities of free time, you find yourself feeling woefully limited. Time to yourself doesn’t seem that appealing if you spend it rolling up little balls of lint and clicking anxiously through friends’ photos online. Hey, it happens. But not as often once you realize how even free time demands some effort. You can fantasize about the freedom, but if that’s all you do, that’s all you get.

Tess is a junior in Arts & Sciences and a Forum editor. She can be reached via e-mail at [email protected]

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