Mo’ Clarett Sent to the Big House

The former Ohio State tailback was sentenced to at least three years in prison this past week for crimes significantly worse than showing up to the NFL Combine Training Program out of shape.when police tried to subdue him, a month ago, they found him driving with four guns, a bottle of Grey Goose vodka, and a hatchet. This guy has twice over demonstrated the wisdom of the league’s minimum age policy – once when he was unsuccessful in challenging it in court, and once by leading the life he has since. Am I the only person thinking he probably wouldn’t have to wear an orange jumpsuit everyday if he had gone to Ohio State for at least another year or two? Not that I agree with the NCAA’s system of legalized slavery, but some people just need time to grow up in a protected environment, and it’s now obvious Clarett was one of them.

Facebook On Sale.

.for one billion dollars! [to be read with Dr. Evil voice] As Yahoo considers dropping that amount of coin, I can’t help but wonder if seeing SUMMER PICS ’06 is worth it. Either way, a certain Harvard dropout is going to have an even more bloated bank account pretty soon. Mark Zuckerberg believes in the free movement of information, except when he can sell it. In that case, he believes in getting paid for information.

Bush to Iran: Don’t You Build Nuclear Weapons

W’s standpoint regarding WMDs, and that of most Western leaders, reminds me a bit of “Slick Willy” Clinton preaching monogamy. A few years ago, Congress refused to sign the Kyoto Protocol on the grounds that since developing countries aren’t required to reduce carbon emissions under the agreement, it’s probably best to let our own CO2 output continue to skyrocket. This is pretty much the same situation. While demanding that Iran keeps its nuclear program strictly for energy purposes is obviously a good call, reducing our own nuclear stockpile is just as important and should be done regardless. If Bush and other world leaders truly cared about stopping proliferation, they’d couple their demands of Iran with reductions in their own nuclear programs. Until politicos start planning past the window of their own term, long-range solutions for our country and planet are impossible. Unless someone can locate Jack Bauer.

Spinach: Out; Bok Choy: In

The FDA has outlawed an entire race of plant life, but this time glaucoma patients and hippies don’t particularly care. The Jolly Green Giant, however, was outraged by the act. “Come on, big government, don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you.” the gargantuan spokesman was quoted as saying. “People can decide for themselves if the risk of E. coli is worth the enormous benefits of delicious spinach.”

iTunes Just Made My Day

Axiom 1: More NFL Network is always good. Axiom 2: One can now buy team-specific or weekly NFL Network highlights from iTunes. Conclusion: I will spend much more time staring at my computer screen on Mondays. For those inclined to seeing the Gramaticas dance until their legs fall off, but not giving ResTech $300 for a variety of local access and Spanish channels, this is a huge development. Deion Sanders’ presence notwithstanding, I will now have a reason to update my iPod weekly. And $20 for the whole season – I spend more than that on Slim Jims.

BALCO Reporters are Threatened with Jail Time

Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, co-authors of the Barry Bonds tell-all “Game Of Shadows,” have been sentenced to 18 months in prison if they continue refusing to name the source of the grand jury leak from which they obtained their information. Before the Supreme Court case of Branzburg v. Hayes, the press had assumed the right not to divulge their sources. Since then, they can be subpoenaed and incarcerated (given circumstances where it’s absolutely necessary) if they refuse to cooperate. While I’m all for the publication of as much information as possible, routinely citing unnamed and illegally leaked sources undermines the accuracy of news and the integrity of the law. There’s no reason the press should be given a privilege that no other U.S. citizen has, just because it might lead to more easily obtained news. These two need to report the leak, or else the confidentiality of grand jury testimony is basically a sham.

Entirely Meaningless Pro Athlete Quotation of the Bi-Week:

“We’ll win this game. You can take that as a guarantee.or whatnot.”

-Detroit Lions WR Roy Williams.

Apparently it was the whatnot. The Bears won the game, 34 to 7.

Joey Stromberg is a freshman in the college of Arts and Sciences.

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