It has been a long time since I wrote a column for the fine folks at Student Life, so expecting my epic “From the Stretch” sports columns of yesteryear may not be entirely realistic. However, writing a column is like riding a bicycle – it can be very boring and strenuous, despite the fact that you realize that nobody cares about the product of said activity in the first place. I mean, do you really care about this article? I didn’t think so.

Alas, I have been charged with writing a column (which I agreed to do in a somewhat hazy state of mind, by the way), and since I am occasionally a man of my word, I decided to follow through.

A few days after finishing my last final as a member of the Washington University student body, I met my cousin at the Forest Park Zoo. He has just graduated from St. Louis University School of Medicine, and we decided to celebrate a little by laughing at confined animals. In the course of our conversation, I asked him how often he talks to his old college buddies.

“I’ve kept in touch with a few of them,” he said. “But really I just talk with some of them when I’m in a new city and I need a place to stay overnight. You just kind of move on I guess.”

This is most likely the approach I will take as well. Since this is my last chance to communicate with almost everybody here, I would like to make a few points clear.

1. Washington University is affordable. Honestly, other than the overpriced food, tuition, parking passes, student activity fee and other such amenities, this place is like the Costco of the college circuit. I mean, I once got a free piece of chocolate cake. Now that’s value.

2. Washington University is diverse. WU is the great melting pot, a microcosm of American society. You can meet anybody here. I’m introverted, and I take things at face value, so I don’t really know this from experience. But this is what I’ve been told.

3. Washington University is a great place for pre-medical students. This reminds me of a story from when I visited the University of Pennsylvania with my sister about one year ago, after she was admitted there and was still in the process of making an enrollment decision. We sat down to eat lunch, and she asked me to compare WU to Penn. I obliged, and was overheard by somebody who was in the process of deciding between WU and Penn. She said, “My main concern is that, since I want to study biology, but not be a doctor, I don’t know if Wash U. is for me.” I told her to stop even considering WU. Basically, one of you rising sophomore types owes your place at this college to me.

4. Washington University was great to me. I understand, at this point you believe that I either didn’t enjoy my time at WU or am just a complete jackass. If you guessed the second option, you wouldn’t be wrong. But seriously, I need to formally thank everybody who helped me graduate, such as my advisors and, well, me. Oh, and my parents, too. They were pretty good. People here like to put you in a position to succeed, mostly if you’re going to be a doctor or a lawyer, but also if you’re doing something else.

Finally, when I told somebody I was writing a farewell column, it was conveyed to me that giving advice to the young whippersnappers at this college would be a good idea. I have two pieces of advice for y’all. First of all, St. Louis rap is bad. The fact that you live here doesn’t mean you should automatically praise Nelly, St. Lunatics or Chingy. Because they’re bad. Even J-Kwon blows. Second, and perhaps more applicable to you, the valued Student Life reader, is the fact that you should make sure to enjoy time away from class and schoolwork. During Senior Week, I have met some intriguing people and seen some grand sights that I never even knew existed previously because I was too busy studying or, more likely, too busy worrying about the fact that I didn’t study.

So in short, I’m out. See ya.

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