With all the recent controversy about alcohol on campus, one important question has been overlooked: Why do we drink? Everyone assumes that we drink a lot merely because we are college students, but there are deeper motives operating here. The real answer is neither innocuous nor petty.

I’m not going to beat around the bush or split hairs on this: we are an ugly group of people. Really ugly. Somehow, by some twist of fate or sinister admissions policy, our student body is aesthetically challenged. The Abercrombie “talent” scouts will not be swinging by Wash U in the near future. The situation is far worse than just beaten-with-an-ugly-stick ugly. I mean that we are so ugly that when we show ourselves in public, puppies cry.

Let me lay this on you in pseudoscientific terms. The widely accepted scale of attractivity, which I made up last week, is this: Hot > Attractive > Normal > Ugly > Bugly > Fugly. Most ordinary environments on God’s green earth have distributions centered on Normal. The average person is Normal, some are prettier, and some are uglier. At a run of the mill institution of higher learning, this curve leans more towards the attractive side. College students in general tend to be easier on the eyes. Here at Wash U, however, we unfortunately have a distribution centered on ugly. Bugly people are more common, while finding a Hot person is like a needle in a haystack. It’s sad really.

Because of our unsatisfactory visual appeal, Wash U students drink more. As Peter Griffin eloquently remarked about the Statue of Liberty, “Come on boys, we’ll drink ’til she’s hot.” Really now, who would settle for that short guy with the unibrow from chem class if they were sober? As feisty college students, we need alcohol to reduce the unpleasantness of our options. The uglier the school gets, the more we need to drink. I know I like my Jack Daniels. Gentleman Jack always livens up the party and after a dozen shots anything with a pulse is looking good. While to the sober observer Wash U mating may look like wildebeests on the Discovery Channel, the inebriated participants don’t seem to mind. The alternative to drunken debauchery is large amounts of masturbation. That is not fair either to ourselves or to our roommates.

Lest my logic thus far was not convincing enough, I conducted a case study to test my theory. Last Saturday I went around campus and asked ten sober women if they would sleep with me. They all refused. That night I asked ten drunk women and this time only eight refused. Granted that one of the two who agreed was too drunk to distinguish between me and any random inanimate object, I still came out ahead. Based on these results, the necessity of alcohol for on-campus hanky-panky cannot be denied.

So, my friends, now I ask, what can be done? To nip this problem in the bud, we need an admissions solution. When evaluating prospective students for Washington University, hotness-related attributes should be given special consideration, perhaps even a scholarship is in order. A few Carmen Electra Scholars sure would improve the intellectual atmosphere on campus. As I figure it, being “really, really, really ridiculously good-looking” is roughly equivalent to perfect SATs. Furthermore, if the University is truly concerned about the well-being of its students, it would get serious with admissions. We should put the Greek community in charge of screening all applicants in personal interviews. With all the bad press they’ve been getting, this could be the Greeks’ big chance to give back to the community in a substantial manner.

Unfortunately, the University does not seem to be adequately disturbed by the situation. Without fresh faces, Wash U students will compensate for their hideousness in the bottom of a bottle. For this reason stricter alcohol policies sadden me. If we can’t drink, getting it on will be much more difficult. If we can’t get it on, how does the University expect us to release all the stress and pressure we’re under from our large workloads? It is better to blow something other than a gasket. I predict a large increase in dropout rates and undergraduate depression. Either that or the Loop will have to transform into a Red Light District. We are talking about a real slippery slope here, people.

“Work Hard, Play Hard” doesn’t work if we can’t get any play.

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