As winter bears down upon us, the campus of Washington University undergoes major changes. Legs go unshaven, hoodies and sweatpants are worn for weeks at a time and the boys from Theta Xi finally give in and put shirts on. From the change of campus away from its viewbook beauty to the bitching of all the kids from California who now understand the concept of “wind chill”, the coming of winter affects us all.

Some of us, though, have the advantage of knowing how to deal with this weather- and thus we are faced with the two groups that are hit the hardest by Old Man Winter: freshmen and squirrels.

As a freshman myself, I’m not allowed to throw too many barbs at my people. But at first glance, the kamikaze rodents of Wash U and the Class of 2008 have an eerie amount of similarities. Both run randomly across open green space for no apparent reason. Both partake in mating rituals like they just discovered the opposite sex. And, given the right amount of alcohol, both can be seen wobbling away from a trashcan at two in the morning.

However, there’s one similarity between the squirrels and the freshman class that is slowly becoming apparent for all to see, and it’s not something we’re proud of: we’re both getting fatter.

At this point in the year, the average Wash U freshman has probably gained a little weight; let’s say three pounds. At the same time, our psychotic squirrel friends have also gained…well, about three pounds (they’re chubby little critters). But while the squirrels have an excuse to hoard their nuts and pray for a heat wave, we eat Bosco sticks at a rate that would make us the envy of a small Sub-Saharan nation while we sit around and play Circle of Death.

You might say that this is expected. “It’s the Freshman 15″ you say. “It happens to everyone.” Listen, squirrels have to put on weight because they need the energy in order to torture campus tours in the middle of January. You don’t (unless you’re planning on sleeping in a tree and dive-bombing unsuspecting PF’s…in which case you’re allowed).

On this campus we have dozens of high-tech, state-of-the-art fitness facilities ready to shape you into the form you need for the beach come April. Alright, I’m not kidding anyone, but we do have two-and they’re both not half bad. Use the damn things!

Don’t be scared off by the fact that you have to wait for 45 minutes to use a Stairmaster at the South 40 Fitness Center; the cardio is good and if you’re a guy you’re looking at a 47:1 female to male ratio. On the same note, don’t fear the AC. Sure, it might be a little bit like a dungeon, it might smell like your grandma’s cat, and you might be scared off by fellow exercisers who could crush you like a walnut-but the place has racquetball! Isn’t that worth it? It might be a little early to harp about weight (after all, we just had parents weekend, and if you weren’t insecure about your body before, you are now) but this is really when you have to make a change if you don’t want to resemble a gelatinous mass come April. So go biking, play racquetball, or run behind those girls on the floor below you who jog down Wydown. Just remember that the squirrels will be fit in the spring. And they love easy prey.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 27th, 2004 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Forum. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.