My girlfriend of three years and I recently broke up. Now, since this is a humor column, you might be tempted to laugh. However, that’s not something humorous, but rather something excruciatingly painful, so please stop laughing until the next paragraph.

Before you flood me with e-mails of condolences and offers for dinner, you should know that it was a mutual break-up, and we are still friends-well, as much as the restraining order against me permits. For the purpose of this column, I will call her Annette, just in case she does not want to publicly admit that we were an affectionate couple for three wonderful years.

Annette and I broke up due to our differences. For instance, she was a faithful Christian, while I wanted to found my own religion, Vuism, and have all-encompassing power over all my followers. She was ambitious and studying to be an orthodontist; I wanted to be the househusband of an orthodontist. You would think that we’d complement each other on this one, but she said she would be “ashamed” of me. What gender bias!

These were differences that we knew from the beginning would tear us apart. But, like the characters in the miniseries “The Thorn Birds,” we could not help but move steadily toward the metaphorical thorn that ten weeks ago finally pierced our chests through the ribs and stabbed us in the hearts-a grisly image that might make a good plot for CSI: LA.

However, this op-ed is not a chance for me to engage in free therapy; it actually has a point. I am amazed that there is no academic course or guidance in that all-important area, the Romantic Relationship. College students are probably most concerned about two things: finding the right career and finding the right person. There are plenty of resources for the former. Unfortunately, for the latter, there is practically nothing at Washington University. Sometimes we have visiting speakers, such as Dr. Ruth or the Dating Doctor. Sometimes there are forums on various topics concerning sex. The rest of the time, we are forced to rely on our friends’ bad experiences, our own bad experiences, or the pages of magazines like Cosmopolitan and, uh, Maxim.

None of these resources are scientific, and even if they were, a 90-minute forum or article on “how to achieve orgasm” cannot resolve all the complexities of relationships. What we need is at least a three-credit class on forming, sustaining, and terminating romantic relationships.

Fortunately, this subject is being studied at various institutions. John Gottman at the University of Washington, for example, has studied thousands of couples and came up with a magic ratio that predicts whether couples stay together or breakup. That ratio is five-to-one: positive experiences to negative experiences in the relationship. Positive experiences are things like holding hands, leaving affectionate notes and doing the dishes without being asked. Negative experiences are things like arguing, leaving without saying goodbye, hurling small appliances and cooking pet rabbits without permission. Take a look at your relationship. If you have a lower ratio, you might be in trouble: increase positive experiences.

Where did I learn that? From a social work class called Interventions for Treating Couples. I learned stuff there-such as “be nice to each other” and “don’t cheat”-that, if I had known earlier, might have saved my relationship. Unfortunately, there is a social work prerequisite for this class, so it is hard for undergrads to take. That is unfair, considering that undergrads probably need the most guidance.

So, I am suggesting an undergraduate course. Here is a sample syllabus. Week 1-Intro: Why we fall in love. Week 2-”How about five goats?” Courting rituals across cultures. Week 6-Sustaining the relationship: Reach out and touch no one but your partner. Week 9-Changing norms: The househusband. Week 12-Resolving conflict: Hurling toasters the positive way. Week 13-Why did you leave me, Annette, why, why?! Week 16-After the break-up: Resisting the life of crime and drunken debauchery.

Everyone thinks that relationship success depends on just common sense. Not true. If you had bad experiences or are stuck in a nightmare of a relationship, it’s not entirely your fault. The University needs to consider adding more resources in this important area.

Until that happens, um-I’m a Pisces; I like bunnies and long walks on the beach. I’m looking for an ambitious, progressive, non-smoking woman who can cook, preferably an aspiring orthodontist.

Popularity: 1% [?]

 Print This Post

This entry was posted on Monday, May 3rd, 2004 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Forum. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.