Social life could use a shake-up
I want to make the intended audience of this piece very clear so as not to offend or cause anyone undue worry about their place in the social stratum. I write this for those who feel like I do, those who feel Washington University is just small enough to seem cozy but also just large enough to be quite socially imposing. This is for those who can’t seem to get things started when it comes to social situations. This is for anyone who worries that they aren’t having fun in college. And, in case it isn’t transparent, this is for me.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re lost in a sea of pre-law, pre-med, fire-under-the-ass-better-students-than-you-could-ever-be individuals? Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing at this school. In my last math class I sat next to a Rhodes scholar. A Rhodes scholar. Go ahead and let that sink in. I wondered what the difference between this person and myself was, other than the fact that she was a genius and I was not. There didn’t seem to be much of one. She seemed normal enough from what I saw. This quickly gets back around to what I feel about myself and my place in college here: there was no real difference between us, so what made me feel so strange about her presence? She just had more of her intellectual life decided (or, failing that, at least she had it set).
I think sometimes I get so lost here because I have no idea what I’m going to be doing with whatever degree I end up getting. I know that there is at least a small contingent of others out there that are as confused as I am about where I’m headed. But that’s only scratching the surface of this emotion. It speaks to a deeper fear about having left college and realizing that I never actually started to live there, in all the senses of the word. The degree doesn’t matter so much, not when compared with the learning I expect my heart to do during the rest of my four years here. Learning about myself is difficult, though, as I keep finding reasons to prevent it from happening.
Been to a University “party” lately? I’ll bet you did one of three things: 1. drank a lot, 2. talked to no one you didn’t already know, or 3. talked to no one, felt awkward and left. About right? Is this what you want? I know that isn’t what I’m looking for out of my Friday nights. I don’t do any of these things because I want to, because we all want so much more than that, I do them because I don’t know what else to do, or feel too ashamed/embarrassed/cowardly to do something else. Things don’t change when you fail to address them, especially when it comes to the feelings in one’s heart. You can better the way you live here. You can even begin to play a larger role, no matter how soon you’ll be leaving our little enclave. It’s never too late to be happier. The way to begin alleviating all of these problems at once? Ignore whatever keeps you from doing what you want to: not having been popular in high school, not feeling attractive enough, not feeling smart enough; take all your ‘nots’ and throw them away. Think about what you are, what you like about yourself and about other people, and build off of that.
Here’s what got under my skin and made me write this: I don’t want to feel like I need to outsource my social skills to something like Friendster in order to meet new friends and lovers; I don’t want to be inactive in the face of a lethargic social scene and never go anywhere or do anything on the 40 except drink and think about how I shouldn’t think so often about how much I don’t want to be doing what I am; I want to see someone interesting in Bear’s Den and ignore the unspoken xenophobic atmosphere and actually talk to them. I know we’re all intelligent but, goddamn it, I’m lonely, too. Let’s all sit down together and share some greasy chicken tenders, eh? The next time you see someone you think would be nice to get to know, tell him or her that. I know it’s something I’d like to hear. And I know I’m not that different from any of you.
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