You can learn a lot about people by having an orthodontic device in your mouth. I got my braces removed last week, and just as I was about to rejoice, the orthodontist shoved a molded piece of plastic into my mouth and told me to wear it 24/7 for the next two weeks. It’s called a “positioner,” which is orthodontist terminology for “inconvenient torture device,” and is supposed to keep my teeth from shifting position-say, the molar suddenly decides it wants to switch occupation with the canine.

Thus, I went home dejected and unable to speak, except during those times when I could take the positioner out to eat. Not knowing sign language, I went into my room and remained there, planning to live apart from civilization until the prescribed two weeks had passed. At night, I wandered out of my lair to be at one with nature and to despair over my solitude, a creature feared and pitied by all. I think this was also how Bigfoot started. He was probably an insurance salesman or something until one day, he got a positioner.

I soon snapped out of that and went about my business. However, these past few days, being unable to articulate, and thus more observant, I have noticed several things about humans and human communications at Washington University.

First of all-wow, people talk a lot. Have you noticed how much communication you do through talking? A lot.

Second, some people are so self-absorbed they really do not seem to notice whether you are speaking or not. To find out who your real friends are, wedge an orange slice into your mouth and call up your acquaintances. The ones who say, “What is wrong with you? You sound like a moron,” are good friends, because they care enough to notice that you sound more like a moron than normal. The person who continues talking obliviously while you growl in frustration is: A) probably too self-centered to be a very good friend, B) training to be a telemarketer, or C) Ralph Nader.

Third, a lot of communication is ritualized. Some phrases are heard so often that they are now devoid of meaning: “See you later,” “I love you, too,” “Have a nice weekend,” “Why can’t you be a doctor like those Nguyen kids?” etc. Most of these phrases are so automatic that they can be replaced with positioner-induced humming and still be understood. But life is too short for ritualized banalities. Try to be original. Instead of “See you later,” I recommend “Have you gotten checked for melanoma lately?” Instead of “I love you, too,” try, in a sexy voice, “Oui…j’aimerais du fromage.”

Fourth, while it may be inconvenient, it is nice to just shut up for a while. There seems to be a direct inverse correlation between how much you talk and how much other people listen. Or maybe people just feel sorry for me because I look like I got punched in the mouth. In which case, there seems to be a direct correlation between looking beat up and having people listen to you (which, except for JFK, would explain our political system).

Fifth, based on my observations, girls in general seem to be much more skilled in deciphering nonverbal communication than do guys. This disparity between the sexes can be explained by looking at cavemen times when men were hunters and women were gatherers. When gathering, the women often stumbled across vicious animals. They learned quickly how to read these animals. Many a cavewoman lost her life, for example, by interpreting a saber-toothed tiger’s low growls to mean “Aw, he’s lonely; he needs a hug.” The men, on the other hand, just surrounded and speared the beasts, and then the survivors hung out at the local cavebar.

The most important thing I have learned in these last few days, however, is that communication is important, and not being understood by people is frustrating for everyone. Which is why I am shocked and amazed that American Sign Language is not offered at this school. It is probably just as important to be able to say and understand “Thank you” and “My name is” in ASL as it is to be to able to say and understand “Bonjour” and “Quiero Taco Bell.”

Until next time, go get checked for melanoma.

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