So much has been made of this “Washington University bubble” that I was disappointed to find out recently that there really is no physical bubble; it is simply a metaphor for ignorance concerning extra-University issues. For the past few nights I have been staying up, pondering, and have come to this conclusion: We should build a giant bubble around our school!

Just think about it-a real, tangible bubble, a clear, blue-tinged hemisphere made out of ultra-light plastic or something. It would span from those trees in front of Brookings and encompass the main campus, the Village, and the South 40. It would be very big, probably the only man-made thing visible from space besides the Great Wall of China and Janet Jackson’s right breast.

At the very least, a giant bubble surrounding the campus would allow us to justify complaining about living in a giant bubble. But there are many other advantages. A giant Plexiglas dome would, for example, distinguish our school from Fontbonne. As we expand the campus, there is a real danger of people mistaking Fontbonne for part of Washington University. Those nine students at our neighboring school might just decide they want to be annexed into our bubble community, and we certainly cannot let that happen. At least not until Fontbonne raises their tuition a minimum of twenty times their current amount. A big bubble would keep the riff-raff out.

Much more importantly, if you’ve been paying attention to the news, you realize that Bush has shifted NASA’s priorities into setting base on the moon with the long-term goal of putting humans on Mars. While you’re reading this, the rovers Spirit and Opportunity are inching their way toward various rocks and pebbles, searching for signs of life. I am willing to bet all of the money I owe in student loans, however, that there already is life on Mars-intelligent life, and they would rather not be found, and they might get angry at our meddling.

Besides protection from extraterrestrial threats (Martians) and terrestrial annoyances (Fontbonne), a giant dome would definitely get our name on the map in a way an astronomical rise in ranking could never do. Then, when we meet someone from Cornell or Brown, which are obviously inferior schools though no one outside the University knows this, they would no longer raise their noses at us. They’d probably envy our bubble and might finally admit to our academic superiority.

The giant bubble will be hard to build, with all the logistical issues involved, such as making sure it does not magnify sunlight and cause buildings and students to burst into flame-or worse, melt the Bunny into an ugly lump of metal. We would probably have to hire migrant workers to scale the dome occasionally to clean up bird droppings. It must be able to withstand any physical attack. The whole project would be expensive, but think of it as an investment not just in the future of our school, but also in the future of the world. Some of you have probably read the short story by Theodore Sturgeon called “Microcosmic God.” In this story, a scientist living on an island creates a race of intelligent beings (in a petri dish, no less). The tiny beings, who live entire lives in seconds, evolve at light speed and make profound scientific advancements within days if not hours. Word gets off the island, and mean, lying people steal these advancements and use them to evil ends, forcing the scientist and his creations to throw an impenetrable force field around the entire island. They live happily, isolated in their dome, while the rest of the world carries on destroying itself.

The point of that story is this: The world around us is starting to go downhill. Mean, lying people seem to be running things. Aliens might be attacking anytime soon. It is therefore in our best interest to preempt some defenses by building a giant indestructible Plexiglas dome around our school. Then, if the world should ever collapse about us, with angry Martians firing laser rays (hopefully at Brown and Cornell first), we will be safe and calm within our bubble, watching “American Idol” and studying, comfortable in our bastion of learning. We would laugh at the Fontbonne students trying to get into the bubble. Years later, when things settle down, we would emerge to rebuild the planet.

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