I got drunk last weekend. And it was terrific. Not so much was it being drunk that was terrific, but the thrill was that I for once had a purpose. I had something to do. I wasn’t even bored that night because going to the frats and throwing floor parties are both great activities. Even better, both of those activities invite and involve your total party-goer participation. Better yet, drinking will help you do better in school.

But isn’t alcohol a depressant? That may be what the man says, but the truth level in that struggles to graze .01% on the accuracy detector. In fact, going drinking is spectacular for your self-esteem! To learn how, let’s look at the facts:

1) You set a realistic short-term goal (let’s make like a wall and get plastered).

2) You can easily measure your progress (not yet, she still looks like a hose beast).

3) You control your rate of success (pass me another not-so-cold one).

4) Even if you fail calculus, you will ace alcohol.

OK, so all the variables are passed out on the ground in front of you. All you have to do is add them up and solve for Y. Drinking is an excellent exercise in short term goal-setting, plus you have a really, really high likelihood of accomplishing that goal. Accomplishing goals equals strong self-esteem, which equals greater self-confidence, which leads to better interpersonal relationships and improved academic performance.

I know this all adds up because I got an “A” in Calc BC. The corollary lesson to be learned here is that guys who spend their weekends buried in textbooks could be doing so much more for their schoolwork. Girls who go home for the weekend are majorly missing out on the opportunity of an academic lifetime.

They don’t see that the benefits of drinking pile up like an army of empties. However, since you now know that drinking will make you a social hero and a stellar student, you can stop lying to your parents about your weekends. Proudly give them a play-by-play of those collegiate good times with this handy new vocab list. Shotgun a six-pack? You were cramming. Massive hangover? You studied until your head hurt. Wake up next to Gertrude from Intro to Psych? You pulled an all-nighter.

Ready? The phone rings-let’s try out our new phrases. Hello? Yeah, hey Mom. Sorry I didn’t pick up before. I was cramming like crazy last night. I mean, I studied until my head hurt Advil-style. What? Yeah, I know. I feel tired too. Gertrude and I pulled another really rough all-nighter and I’m sore from all that hard work. OK, you be safe too. Love ya, bye!

That was terrific-just like drinking. A definite plan for Friday night, manageable goals to boost your self-esteem and the consequent boosting of your self-confidence and your academic performance-these are the exciting benefits that alcohol has to offer. Plus you can tell your parents all about it with a clean conscience if not clean breath.

The age-old dilemma of choosing between being a social Don Juan and being a good student isn’t a dilemma at all. You can be both, and you can be a superstud at both too, with the help of the Jack Daniels and Jim Beam one-step program. Step one: make like a wall and get plastered. Now you are a self-confident social and scholastic achiever with stuff to do on the weekends, good grades, and an honest relationship with your parents.

You pound a few shots. Drain that chaser with gusto, and smile to yourself as you reflect on the goodness of Everclear and remember the best advice you’ll ever receive: Study hard.

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