The frustrating thing about Michael Jackson is not that he shows up late to his court appearances, or looks like the exhumed corpse of Jackie Onassis, or puts wine into the Diet Coke cans of young boys-it’s that he used to be so good! At least one MJ song (preferably pre-1983, although “The Way You Make Me Feel” is permissible) must make it onto a party playlist for it to be successful in my mind. “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” is possibly the greatest song in the history of recorded music-play it anywhere and watch the people get down. Which means it’s all the more exasperating when Jacko gets slapped with a lawsuit-if he could only be the man he once was! Mikey, give us another “Thriller,” and you’ve got my jury vote.

You can call me a creep, an immoral, favoritist fanboy, but damn it, if Michael Jackson would just make me groove again, I’d let him babysit my future kids. This is the guy who once gave us 10-minute zombie music videos, single gloves and the “Moonwalker” movie, co-starring Joe Pesci. There was a time when he could do no wrong. Alas, those times are long gone now. Remember “Earth Song”? (I hope for your sake not.) Remember “You Are Not Alone,” with its Lisa Marie Presley music video and (supposedly) a camera shot of MJ’s junkage up his towel? Remember the roughly 85 compilation albums he’s put out since 1992? To think that I used to sing along to “Dangerous” back in third grade carpool.

Come on, you know that if Michael still had the magic you’d be one of those fans holding signs outside the Santa Barbara County Courthouse. It’s just that you know better: he sucks now. In truth, I’m not surprised that crazy devotees would rally behind the object of their obsession. I’d probably do the same for James Brown or George Jones or any of pop music’s cooler convicted felons. But who likes Michael Jackson anymore? What are people proving by loitering around a courthouse, waiting for that has-been weirdo to show up 30 minutes late? If you’re going to disregard legal justice in the name of celebrity and fandom, why not devote your services to R. Kelly, still awaiting trial for child pornography charges? At least he gave us “Ignition Remix.” You’ve got to ask yourself: what has Michael Jackson done for me lately?

Not a whole damn lot is the answer. Apparently the man’s been too busy dangling babies out of windows and having naughty slumber parties to write a halfway decent pop song. Come on, Michael, I’m not asking for a lot. It doesn’t have to be another “Wanna Be Startin’ Something”-I’d even settle for an imitation “Jam” (just leave out the Heavy D rap verse). But I think you’d find you’d have a much easier time through this whole ordeal if you’d just give the people something to care about. People will support anyone if they’ve got a song on the charts. Just check out illiterate thug 50 Cent-his posse shot someone in the leg in a public place, but he enjoys two top 10 singles. Getting out of jail free is easy, MJ; you’ve just gotta sing the right tune.

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This entry was posted on Friday, April 22nd, 2005 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Cadenza. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.