Everyone can appreciate a good parody. “Spaceballs” taught us all the power of the Schwartz, and “Scary Movie” gave us blunt-smoking ghost-faced killers. But porno parodies? These are, tragically, a less familiar terrain. Consider “Edward Penishands,” a send-up of Tim Burton’s classic 1990 film. The titular character, a black-clad recluse with giant you-know-whats at the ends of his arms, learns the (ahem) ins and outs of suburban life when he’s taken in by a kindly vibrator saleswoman. Before you can say, “He’s got penises for hands!” all the lonely neighborhood ladies are indulging in Edward’s tri-part talents, but he yearns for the saleswoman’s young daughter Amanda. Needless to say, this movie is horrible. It’s not even a good porno. How anyone could find prosthetic members that look like rubber chickens sexually arousing is a mystery-but the idea is just classic. Therefore, we’ve got a few new ideas for the porn parody industry:

Being In John Malkovich

A middle-aged puppeteer takes a job as a filing clerk in a cramped office with an uncommonly low ceiling and discovers a mysterious portal-into John Malkovich. It doesn’t take long for the portal to become a gateway to new realms of pleasure for the puppeteer and his wife. What starts as their dirty little secret becomes a source of income as they turn other couples on to the thrill of being in John Malkovich. That is, until the man himself gets wise to their operation. When Malkovich becomes curious and enters his own portal, an orgiastic scene of Malkovich-on-Malkovich action ensues. Can you say “Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich”?

Binding Nemo

The heartwarming adventure of a young, naughty fish’s first BDSM experience. His overbearing father is worried, so he gets his forgetful friend, dominatrix Dory, to be gentle on little Nemo. However, things take a turn for the worse when she forgets the safety word and hijinks ensue. Nemo even takes a trip to the surface and learns about the thrills of autoerotic asphyxiation. I am not too sure how well Binding Nemo would sell in America, but this would be a gold mine in Japan, combining their love of raw fish and animated pornography.

Gangbangs of New York

As a genre, porn has grown stale. A vast majority of porn takes place in a modern-day setting. Sure, there is the occasional science fiction or cowgirl-themed porn, but more often than not the films just maintain the status quo. That is why I want to see a massive, epic period piece set in the grime of mid-1800s New York. Too often while watching porn I find myself thinking, “Oh. That cop (pizza delivery guy, handyman, etc.) is taking off his pants. What ever may happen?” when I would rather ponder, “My God! Are they really going to go for anal on that lice-ridden, rat-infested bed, while covered in their own filth that has accumulated over years of not bathing?” A serviceable plot of rival gangs having a contest to see which gang can screw the most people would get the job done. As a side note, given the current arc of Cameron Diaz’s career, she might even be interested in a couple of years. It couldn’t be any more degrading than doing Charlie’s Angels 3.

Snatch

Come on, you know when you first heard the title of the movie you assumed it was porn. The plot could be about zombie pirates having sex with cheerleaders, and I would be perfectly happy because the name is just so brilliant.

Willy Wanker and the Cock Ring Factory

Someone should get on the horn with Tim Burton and explain to him all the money he could make if he turned his new remake of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” into a nudie flick. Just imagine: the young, sexually inexperienced Charlie Bucket finds a golden cock ring inside his Wanker brand porno mag and wins a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the famous Cock Ring Factory. Mr. Wanker, aided by his diminutive, anal-loving helpers, the Rumpa Humpas, leads a group of sex-crazed winners through the bowels of his complex, steering them down a mysterious liquid river and revealing the secret of his “everlasting gobstoppers.” And can you imagine that soundtrack? “Come with me, and you’ll be, in a world of frenzied fornication…”

Note from the author: All of these are intended as jokes. My interests do not really swing this way. Do not take these seriously, because I don’t want this to end my dating career at Wash U.

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