Student Life Archives (2001-2008)

Washed-Out Hollywood Enjoys Broadway Glow

Margaret Bauer

Broadway stars are few and far between. With several exceptions, including Michael Crawford (the infamous Phantom of the Opera) and reigning stage queen Bernadette Peters, most shows feature little known but extremely talented actors and actresses who are more likely to end up serving you dinner at IHOP after the Sunday matinee than to make an appearance at P. Diddy’s latest shindig.

With theaters willing to do whatever it takes to fill seats and bring in new audiences, however, it seems that a group of Hollywood misfits is finally finding a home as Broadway’s newest babies. As the number of washed-up Hollywood divas continues to grow, many are flocking to the stage, hoping that if their talent isn’t able to save their careers, maybe a once familiar name splashed across a marquee bathed in a warm Broadway glow might just do the trick.

Scary Spice, also known as Melanie B, seems to be leading the way with her recent and ill-received debut as Mimi in the 1990s phenomenon “Rent.” And Drew Lachey, once of boy band 98? fame, who now seems to receive most of his face-time playing the lethargic little brother on the MTV hit “Newlyweds,” is not far behind. He too will be joining the cast of “Rent” this September, adding yet another fallen star to the list of Broadway alums.

As a result of this influx of crestfallen actors rushing to the stage, we here at Cadenza wondered what would occur if some of Hollywood’s most notorious ne’er-do-wells joined the casts of some of the most popular shows in the genre. The result will hopefully encourage even more casting directors to take the plunge and replace talent with tinsel, and dedicated actors with those making one more stab at glory and fame.

Winona Ryder as Jean Val Jean in “Les Miserables”-Who better to play Broadway’s most famous thief than Hollywood’s most notorious kleptomaniac? And even though Winona isn’t an overweight 40-year-old man, she may be willing to undergo some physical transformations considering the current state of her once-dazzling career.

David Hasselhoff in “Jekyll and Hyde”-What would happen if Baywatch’s most notorious babe got cast as the infamous duo Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Oh wait, this one really happened….Sad…

Gary Coleman as Peter Pan in “Peter Pan”-The boy who never grows up played by the boy who grew up, ran for governor and still goes to casting calls for 12-year-olds. Plus, we’ve only seen Peter played by 25-year-old women; how about a middle-aged man for a change? And after all, how does one get to Neverland? Second star to the right and straight on to gubernatorial success.

Andy Dick as Harold Hill in “The Music Man”-A con artist travels to a midwestern town and stirs up “trouble,” attempting to seduce River City’s intellectuals. Sound familiar? Dick is perfect for the part and will surely make a splash singing one of the show’s most popular songs: “Oh there’s trouble, right here in River City. With a capitol T which rhymes with P which stands for…..?” Pot?

Courtney Love as Mrs. Hannigan in “Annie”-A drunken director of an orphanage is willing to do whatever it takes to gain fame, money and the attention of the men who surround her. Courtney is nothing but perfect for the part, and to be honest, I’ve always wanted to see the R-rated version of “Annie.”

Print This Post Print This Post

No Comments Yet

You can be the first to comment!

Student Life is the independent student newspaper of Washington University in St. Louis. Keep in touch with Washington University by subscribing to an RSS feed of our stories or an RSS feed of our comments. Privacy Policy | Comments Policy | Web Policy