In Ireland, there’s an old saying about pubs that goes something like this: “The worse the toilet, the better the pint.” Basically, the more disgusting the bathroom is, the cooler the bar will be. I couldn’t agree more. There is no shortage of bars in the St. Louis area, and there are many types of drinking establishments to choose from-the trendy lounges, the upscale wine bars, the dance clubs, the sports bars and the bar and grills. But there are times when all a person wants is a stiff drink, without having to get dressed up or having to endure the hipsters, the yuppies on the make, the hoochie-mamas, or the thousands of college football games on thousands of big screens. There are times when a person wants to hit the local dive, the neighborhood watering hole-and here are a few of the best local dives in the surrounding area.

The Hi-Pointe Cafe
1001 McCausland Ave.
St. Louis, MO 63117
(314) 781-4716

The Hi-Pointe’s website advertises the establishment as a “neighborhood pub for rockers,” and that description is pretty apt. The bar consists of two floors: the top floor has local punk, rockabilly, metal, and indie rock shows almost every night, while the bottom floor has a few booths, a long bar, two pool tables, pinball, and that Golden Tee golf game that seems to be present in every bar nowadays. Every weeknight Happy Hour occurs between 5-9 pm, and on Fridays during Happy Hour, free pizza is served.

The crowd at the Hi-Pointe is pretty diverse, but the loud rock music played over the sound system separates the casual walk-in clientele from the regulars. The music is one of the main reasons to go to the Hi-Pointe, because there just aren’t many places where you’ll hear the Misfits playing over the loudspeaker while sipping from a $5 pitcher of Old Style or a 24 ounce import. The bartenders are friendly and for the most part so is everyone else there. And yes, the bathroom is disgusting. Step back from the urinal before flushing if you don’t want your shoes soaked in your own used beer.

Pat’s Bar & Grill
6400 Oakland
St. Louis, MO.
(314) 647-6553

Pat’s in Dogtown is the best Irish pub in the St. Louis area. Some will say McGurk’s in Soulard, some will say O’Connell’s, but Pat’s truly is the best Irish pub in St. Louis. Located in the historically Irish neighborhood of Dogtown, Pat’s may not only be the best truly Irish pub in the area, it may be the only truly Irish pub in the area. Bathroom graffiti touting the resistance of the IRA and Sinn Fein proves that this isn’t a trendy little nook trying to pull off a resemblance to an Irish pub by decorating with green and serving Guinness on tap.

No matter what time of day one makes the trek to Pat’s, the bar is always populated by a few old guys nursing pints and telling stories. There is plenty of room to sit both at the bar and at tables and booths, and the place, though never too crowded, is also never empty. The beer is cheap and cold and the food is damn good, too, better than the average pub fare-they come close to winning the Best in St. Louis poll for fried chicken every year but always lose out to (the far inferior) Hodak’s.

Bathroom? Not as disgusting as that of the Hi-Pointe, but it’ll do in a pinch. To share a pint with the boys at the bar, Pat’s is the place to go.

Johnny’s Restaurant & Bar
1017 Russell
St. Louis, MO 63104
(314) 865-0900

Carson’s
1706-14 South 9th Street
St. Louis, MO 63104
(314) 436-2707

Johnny’s and Carson’s are Soulard’s best entries into the dive bar war, though neither is really dirty enough to qualify as a dive. What qualifies both establishments is that both of them are just so . . . so . . . bar-like. They have jukeboxes with decent tunes, lots of drunks hanging out every night singing along loudly and off key, and, because of their proximity to the brewery, any Anheuser Busch product you can possibly think of.

The other uniting factor-and selling point-for both Johnny’s and Carson’s involves the scantily clad waitresses and bartenders, who often pull in big tips from groups of guys coming in without their wives or girlfriends.

Bathrooms? Fairly clean, but good graffiti in the stalls (lots of “For a good time call [blank]” and “What are you reading this for, the joke’s in your hand”). Both establishments have decent bar food, friendly employees, cold drinks, and fairly low prices. Carson’s is the more blue collar, and Johnny’s the more white collar of the pair, but both have a welcoming vibe.

Magee’s
4500 Clayton (on the corner of Clayton and Taylor near the Med School)
St. Louis, MO
(314) 371-4201

Magee’s is a mystery. It has morphed from sports bar to rock club and back and forth again many times. At the moment, it is offering local rock shows by the likes of punk rockers (the Spiders) and Dead cover bands.

It is also offering Stag Night! 75 cent bottles of Stag! All night! Stag! 75 cents!

Cheap beer!

Skeeter’s Eatery
3315 Watson Road
St. Louis, MO
(314) 646-7731

Skeeter’s masquerades as a respectable little Cajun restaurant, with gumbo that’s actually quite incredible. What is truly incredible about Skeeter’s, though, is this dive’s unmatched karaoke crowd. From girls that look way underage now to guys that looked way underage in the nineteenth century, Skeeter’s patrons belt it out with the kind of courage that only comes in liquid form.

Karaoke nights bring shot specials, but the pitchers of Michelob on draft are always cheap, the service is always friendly, and some drunk forty-three year old guy is bound to sing “Margaritaville.” You don’t wanna miss this.

(Bathroom appropriately disgusting.)

McLain’s Corner Bar Grill and BBQ
3516 South Big Bend
Maplewood, MO
(314) 647-6531

This is it. The dive bar to end all dive bars. The ultimate. Elderly barmaids, elderly drunks, cramped bathroom quarters, cheap drinks-this is it. This was one of the first bars I ever attended and as such still holds a special place in my heart. A small hole in the wall, McLain’s has Ram’s game specials, really good buffalo chicken wings, and a jukebox possessing all of the greatest hits of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. Put on “Going to a Go-Go” or “Tracks of My Tears” and play darts on the electronic board that keeps score for you, so you don’t even have to be sober enough to operate a piece of chalk.

Another awesome feature of McLain’s is the drive-thru. That’s right, McLain’s has drive-thru package liquor, all day everyday. Don’t want to put pants on before getting your drink on? McLain’s is the place for you.

Now that you’ve read the Cadenza dive bar, neighborhood watering hole wrap-up, visit one of these establishments. Or, better yet, dive right in and find your own favorite little watering hole.

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