With the temperature hovering around 2 degrees and the freshmen from Hawaii freaking out over the white stuff covering the ground, thoughts turn to leaving this winter wonderland for warmer climates. That’s right loyal readers, its time to start thinking about study abroad. While we’re cramming for orgo tests and trying to protect our most sensitive body parts from what could turn into a very embarrassing case of frostbite, our friends are lounging on beaches in Australia and chasing after kangaroos who wear jackets. The Australian Tourism Board (Motto: He Took the Money…And Isn’t Giving it Back!) kindly explained to me that if I ever met a kangaroo, they would be more scared of me than I would be of them, but I beg to differ. The results from my Meyers-Briggs test told me I have “a tenuous grasp on reality,” so don’t be surprised if I mistake “fantasy,” such as movies, with “reality,” such as the giant rabbit that’s always sitting on that boulder by Graham Chapel.
Right now I’m working on my application to study abroad next fall in Madrid (Motto: Yo quiero Taco Bell) because studying abroad is a great opportunity to expand my multiculturalismness (the only Wash U approved “ism”) and change my world vielkfdslfkkkkksd *snore*……….. I’m not sure what comes after that, because I fell asleep during the presentation on study abroad , so I still don’t know why I want to go, but I do know that if I request permission to study abroad through a non-Wash U affiliated program, I would be tortured in a manner similar to the torture scene in Die Another Day. It would be most heinous.
There are, however, many worthwhile study abroad programs that Wash U offers, one of which I participated in last summer. I spent last June and July learning German in G”ttingen, Germany (Motto: If you lived here, you’d already be home!). I had a wonderful time and had many interesting experiences.
My favorite experience aside from the Love Parade, a drug fueled orgy in Berlin, (Motto: Two cities for the price of one!) was flying the space toilet. A little explanation is probably required for my readers with a firm grasp on reality, but those who also consumed large quantities of hallucinogens can disregard what I’m about to say. Scattered throughout Germany are these giant, futuristic public toilets that, odds are, are more advanced than the Chinese space capsule that is about to be launched into orbit. If the Germans can do one thing well, it’s engineering things. They pick unusual things to create, but it keeps them out of trouble, which is more than can be said for me.
Right on the edge of town was our favorite bar, affectionately known as Tanner’s. We spent many nights conversing with the locals over a half liter of “Bier” (German for “alcohol free beverage”) and afterwards we would walk back to the institute feeling very “happy” (German for “not drunk”). Every night, we’d pass these giant, self cleaning public toilets. One night, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to use one. After I finished, the toilet politely asked me to leave. I decided to stay inside just to spite the toilet, but it had other plans. The motion sensors inside and the pressure mats on the floor knew I was still in and requested that I leave. This toilet, however, was no match for a “Bier” enhanced Brian and I deduced that if I perched on the handicap rails and didn’t move, I could trick the toilet into entering self cleaning mode.
What came next still gives me nightmares. As soon as the doors closed, the floor split in half and pitched downward at a 45 degree angle into a bottomless pit, the toilet turned sideways, the walls began to close in on each other and the ceiling began to spray me with high pressure water. So I did what any self respecting man would do, I screamed like a little girl and lunged for the door. The next thing I know, the toilet was back to normal, the door was open, and everyone was laughing at my misfortune. It turns out that the self cleaning cycle of the advanced toilet is a pretty dangerous thing, which is why children under 3 and American college students aren’t allowed to use them without adult supervision. So be careful, no matter where you choose to study abroad. And if you’re not lucky enough to study abroad, you can still spend your free time drawing male sex organs in the snow.

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