Dear Lucky,

My boyfriend gives really great head. But I have a hard time getting to the point where I can have an orgasm. It’s not him – I’ve always had this problem. To get myself to come I have to close my eyes and fantasize about something else. Not someone else, mind you, but a different scenario, usually involving physical force or aggression. Whenever I ask my boyfriend to hit me during sex he refuses. He spanks me, but that’s it because he doesn’t want to hurt me. Is there anything I can do to resolve this?

Sincerely,
Make Me

Dear Make Me,

There is nothing inherently wrong with being submissive – you want to be dominated, you want to play with the idea of being forced or controlled in a situation that you know is safe. With a loving a respectful partner, your desires and fantasies are normal and healthy.
Your partner’s timidity is also normal and healthy. Good men should have second thoughts about smacking their girlfriends around, even if that’s what their girlfriends want. There is a fine line between kinky sex and sexual abuse. His fear is a rational one – that you or he will get carried away amidst the throes of passion, and that he will hurt you.
However, if you two want to have a healthy sexual relationship, then you reaching orgasm should be a priority. I’m sure that when you tell your boyfriend the only way you can come while he’s giving you oral sex is to fantasize about being somewhere else (whether it’s with someone else or not) he will have second thoughts about fulfilling your aching desire to be slapped. If so, set some ground rules, and problem solved.
If not, you need to decide how important making your fantasy a reality is to you. You can always imagine or fantasize yourself to orgasm – it’s not cheating and it’s not sick or twisted. And as long as the game stays in your mind, you will never risk crossing the line and getting hurt. Besides, most sexual fantasies never materialize quite as well in real life as they do in your mind. It’s like trying to make a good movie out of a really good book.

Dear Lucky,

Is there any surefire way I can tell if my girlfriend is faking her orgasms?

Sincerely,
Did She Come?

Dear Did She Come,

Did she or didn’t she? The oldest question in the world – right after, “What did you say your name was?”
There are medical ways you can tell – something about monitoring heart rate and body temperature.
A better and less complicated idea is to ask her. Don’t be an idiot about it and say something like, “Hey baby, um, are you coming? I can’t really tell.” She will roll her eyes at you and rightly so. Instead, be the sensitive lover that you know you are: “Sweetheart, you seem to be having ok orgasms but I know we can do better. I want to drive you crazy, I want you to have orgasms with me that make you fall apart.” This will hopefully open a dialogue about consummation.
Whether or not your girlfriend admits to faking is beside the point. Once you start talking about her coming, she will know you’re making an effort. If you can talk about it before sex, try talking about it during sex. Ask her what she wants, how she wants it, whisper into her ear how much you want to make her come and seal it with a kiss.
If she’s not coming for you at this point, you can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you inspire Oscar-winning fakes. There are worse things than being a muse for theatrical greatness.

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