Halloween is a scary time of year, especially this year out in the greater Washington D.C. area. My older sister lives in Arlington, VA and works in D.C., so we’re a little concerned for her safety. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was saying how frightening it all was, the prospect of getting shot completely out of the blue. The questions of “who’s next?” and “how do you even begin to protect yourself without interrupting your daily routine?”were raised. In my effort to ease my mother’s worries, I said, “Well, it’s better than drowning or burning to death.” That statement has been added to my big list titled “things that will never, ever cheer up anyone, especially my mother.”
So now Halloween is coming up, and until there’s confirmation that the sniper has been apprehended, I’ll bet that there will be nary a ghost or ghoul panhandling for sugar in the D.C. area. This just bums me out. I mean, there are other things that bum me out too, like poverty and puppy mills, but not being able to trick-or-treat really bums me out. Going from door to door and threatening strangers into giving you candy is every child’s God-given right.
Halloween has always been a monumental holiday in my life. Maybe it’s the ritualistic carving of pumpkins. What a weird tradition that is because we stick fire in these things, too. Why don’t we stick candles in more things, and not just on Halloween? Like candles in running shoes on Secretaries’ Day? Or candles in toasters on Thursdays? I wish I could claim to be the master pumpkin carver, but that honor goes to my younger sister Carly who has perfected the art of “the vomiting pumpkin;” instead of discarding the pumpkin’s gooey entrails, she pulls them out of the pumpkin’s mouth and leaves them dangling. The best was the year she had pumpkins vomiting on other pumpkins who then vomited because they were being vomited on. That was awesome.
Or maybe I like Halloween because of the costumes. Really, it’s the one day out of the year when it’s socially acceptable to be a complete freak. Here’s a quick “best of” list of my past costumes if you’re looking for ideas this year: Albert Einstein, Sherlock Holmes, Frankenstein, a gorilla in a Hawaiian shirt, a diabolical surgeon carrying a live severed hand (the coolest illusion ever) , a Mousekateer, Batgirl, and then last Halloween, I dressed up as the most frightening thing of all: a B-School Student. Bauhaus is a wonderful outlet for the crazy and bizarre, but I wish more people here wore their costumes to class on Halloween. Last year, one of the people working at the library wore a full clown getup. I would go to the library more if this were a daily occurrence.
Now I was a hard core trick-or-treater in my day. I wouldn’t stop filling my pillowcase until the weight of the bag caused my arm to dislocate at the shoulder. Unfortunately, people in my neighborhood liked to give out Tootsie Rolls. I know there are Tootsie fans out there, but those things formed like sediment on the bottom of my bag. I knew Halloween was truly over when I passed through the strata of Snickers and reached the lower mantle of Tootsie. And of course, I can’t forget the old ladies who would wrap up small stacks of pennies and distribute these instead of candy. Not that I didn’t appreciate the pennies. They tasted better than the Tootsie Rolls.
Unfortunately, I’m going out of town this Halloween, so I’m not sure what I’ll do. Since I’m going to the airport, this automatically rules out certain costumes. That Osama Bin Laden costume, for example. I was thinking of going very, very subtle and purchasing online a pair of vampire fangs-you know, the ones all the cool pagans are wearing. So I’d wear these fangs and only occasionally smile at people. Muahaha!
Have yourself some safe, scary fun this Halloween. Get buzzed on Milky Ways. Watch George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead. And never underestimate the power of a kids costume purchased at Target. You know that Batgirl costume I wore sophomore year? Only $9.99. Oh, sure, it was a little tight and totally split down the back, but for $9.99, I’ve never looked better.

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