WILD was an ultimate success. The lessons one can learn from WILD are many, but some of the more profound ones are that yes, you can get your drink on in the quad, yes, BEP and J5 rock, and yes, Dan Carlin, editor-in-chief of Cadenza, is a sexy motherfucker.

WILD begins as all WILDs do, with a herd of sloppy drunks trying to make their way to the quad. The idea hits us like a ton of bricks: what we need is a trolley.
Jess: So, Ben Alter, what’s your WILD philosophy?
Ben: It’s not the destination, you see, it’s the journey.
Jess: But do you not think the journey would be benefited by a WILD trolley that takes drunk people to WILD?
Ben: This trolley would be amazing.
Jess: This would be an amazing trolley.
Ben: Would it be multi-colored?
Carol Anne: Would you be able to drink on this trolley?

Upon entering the quad, several large metal poles that have been erected to keep drunk people in line try to beat me. After successfully evading the poles, I come upon an innocent looking man and thrust the tape recorder in his face.
Jess: What are you looking forward to most about WILD?
Peter, a faculty member: Free food.
Jess: Are you sober?
Peter: Yes.
Jess: Planning on staying that way?
Peter: Yes.
Peter sounds very annoyed at the drunk reporter sticking a tape recorder in his face.

The quad is a solid mass of mostly drunk people. I happen upon several members of my freshman floor who I haven’t seen in quite some time.
Jess: So, what are you guys looking forward to most about WILD?
Alexis: Fucking Jess Minnen after the show.
Jess: Oooh, fucking Jess Minnen, alright!
Erik: J5.
John: Rum and coke.
Evan: Lots of beer, lots of pussy.
Erik: That may or may not get in Cadenza…
Jess: Oh, it’ll be in there. We’re a liberal bunch.

The next task is trying to get a wristband somehow so I can drink without being hassled. Gotta keep up the buzz.
Jess: So Sketch, what are your plans for WILD this year?
Sketchy Mike, senior: Not throwing up.
Jess: The real question is, are you interested in giving me your wristband, leaving, and coming back in?
Sketch: I’ve already done that one time. I have a beer if you want, though…
Jess: Ooh, thank you.

BEP comes on, everyone is stoked. Everyone rages. In between sets, I do more cavorting and happen upon Michael, a drunk senior.
Jess: So, when was the last time you got laid?
[Laughter... Michael evades the question.]
Jess: When was the last time you smoked dope?
Michael: 20 minutes ago…
Jess: And are you sober?
Michael: Uh…. No. I can conduct this interview, but…
Jess: So he’s sober enough to conduct this interview, other than that, we’re up for fucking grabs.

Speaking of dope… Paul Hime appears.
Jess: So, is this WILD gonna kick last WILD’s ass?
Paul “Dizzity” Hime: I think it already has based on the 2.5 grams of killer organic dank I smoked before this shit.
Jess: Props. Let’s have a moment of silence for the 2.5 grams of dank.
The moment of silence was profound.

Jurassic 5 comes on, and hundreds rush towards the stage. The masses jump up and down in a frenzy, and the fist-pumping is enough to inspire a riot. I turn to my neighbors and demand answers.
Jess: So, is this WILD kicking last WILD’s ass?
Max, junior: Absolutely!
Max’s friend: Cadenza sucks!
Jess: Ok, fuck you.
Max’s friend: No, no, I’m sorry. I love Cadenza. Cadenza rocks.
Max: Cadenza is the bomb.
Max’s friend: Dan Carlin is the sexiest man in the world.
Jess: Dan Carlin, you fucking rule.
Max’s friend: Dan Carlin, I want to have your baby.
Jess: What’s your name, dude?
Max’s friend: I’m Dan Carlin’s wife.
Jess: Do you have anything else to add about WILD 2002?
Max’s friend: Dan Carlin is sexy!

No names have been changed to protect the trashed. Everyone really was as drunk as they sound.

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