Remember when cell phones were found exclusively in the Kate Spade bag of your favorite black pant wearer? For the purposes of this column, I will refer to that period of Washington University history as the “good old days.” In contrast, I will refer to the present as “now.” Allow me to explain.

Of all the annoying social trends to hit WU since my freshman year (black pants, North Face “Michelin man” jackets, mail bags, [hi mom], 6-inch sandals, AF, Nalgene, and yogurt) cell phones have to be the most calculated to ruin my social life. To all of you sporting your Motorolla Startac St7790 – or whatever you currently have vibrating in your pants – I propose the following stereotypes. In order to make myself feel cooler, I’ve categorized all of you cell phone bastards into the following stereotypical categories:

The first kind of cell phone user is what I call the “hypocrite.” This is the person who a week ago sat on campus and bitched along with me about cell phones. Now, however, they’re citing things such as “cheaper long distance” as a valid reason for setting their pants to “ring” and “yankee doodle” even while we’re in the middle of a heartfelt conversation at a secluded off-campus coffee shop.

Though hypocrites should always be stoned (to avoid confusion, when I say stoned I mean the ancient art of picking up a rock and throwing it at someone, and not the art of inhaling illegal substances), they do not in any way measure up to the unashamed cell phone users. I don’t have a cute name for these people (like “hypocrite”) but they’re the ones who subscribe to the theory that more is merrier, especially if it is more of their annoying friends that you don’t even know. These are the people who act surprised and annoyed when they get a phone call, but still invite whoever it is along. Or – even better – they’ll ditch you for bigger and better plans.

The third type of cell phone user is the one who has it purely to flatter themselves. This is the kind of person who always has their phone set to “ring” and “loud” and “in class.” The loud ring is a constant reminder to them and anyone within forty feet that they still have friends. These people usually take great pains to attract attention to their phone call by either looking in the wrong pocket, or pondering at length about the caller ID, or (my favorite) faking like they aren’t going to answer it – thus letting it ring a good 3.5 times – and then (in an act of sheer benevolence to whoever has such pressing needs that they called them) engaging in a solid ten minute conversation about whether the other person can hear them or not. These people will also pretend to find their cell phones uncomfortable so they can take it out and display it for you as often as possible.

All of you should adopt the habits of what I call the “Brent Douglas” user of cell phones. Brent Douglas is my roommate. He’s sexy and he’s great on the phone. In all my sleeping, showering, and urinating within feet of Brent Douglas’s head, I have yet to experience any abuse of his cell phone (except perhaps the “vibrate,” but that’s neither here nor there). Brent Douglass frequently turns his phone to “off,” a simple, elegant setting that makes conversation possible in even the harshest of environments.

Disclaimer: Just to be sure, there are other brands of annoying cell phone users that I could not include for space. You know who you are. Be someone else.

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 31st, 2001 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Cadenza. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.