Guy with TiVo hopes end of writers’ strike will make him popular again
Dardick resident and freshman Sean Cassidy has spent the last six months in relative isolation. But all that should change in the coming months.
“With the end of the writers’ strike and the return of some of the floor’s favorite shows, I’m really looking for my popularity to rise,” he said.
Dame Dench discovered drunk driving, doing dastardly deeds
Late last night, Officer Joe Harvey was startled to find famed thespian Dame Judi Dench behind the wheel of a green Ford Taurus that had been swerving dangerously between traffic lanes in downtown Los Angeles before being pulled over.
“I was surprised because she’s such an old biddy, but she was slurring her words and couldn’t focus,” said Harvey.
Someone Good to play W.I.L.D.
Team 31 was excited to announce this semester’s W.I.L.D. headliner, and the pick was met with elation by students.
“Finally, Someone Good is playing at W.I.L.D.,” said senior Izzie McFizz.
Someone Good is a fusion group composed of three members and a 15-person entourage.
SU votes to deify President Patel
Student Union Senate voted yesterday to deify SU President Neil Patel. The popular president will hereafter be known as the Deified Patellius.
The last SU president to receive this honor was the Deified Aderus, who graduated in 2006. Aderus received a triumph and the Senate’s admiration for his victory in the war with the Emory barbarians.
Wrighton regrets blocking Obama from speaking on campus
Danforth University Chancellor Mark Wrighton expressed regrets yesterday for not allowing Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama to speak on campus. In a candid interview, Wrighton lamented the opportunities lost in the wake of Obama’s address on racial issues.
Police Beat
New Danforth Center to be demolished and replaced
Stressing Danforth University’s commitment to the environment and a sustainable future, Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced plans to demolish the Danforth University Center at the end of this year in favor of a new building that will achieve an “enriched uranium” level of LEED certification.
Spiderman prime suspect for Myers burglaries
Danforth University Police Department has made an arrest in the Myers burglaries case. After reviewing hours of security camera footage, the DUPD believes it has finally cracked the case. The prime suspect is Spider-Man.
“It all seems so simple now,” said Officer Slim Pickens.
Fro-yo machines shut down, panic ensues
Since the dawn of time, Danforth University’s frozen yogurt machines have been the campus’s most esteemed landmarks. Like orcas to a flame, undergrads flock to these devices no matter the outside temperature. They often eschew a cup for their mouth, or as one husky sophomore put it, “Nature’s cone.”
University announces tuition freeze
There will be no increase in tuition next year, the Danforth University administration announced today. Additionally, all students will be provided with unicorns equipped with GPS units, free of charge.
The University announced the tuition freeze while unveiling the new Gingerbread Gumdrop dorm on the South 40.