Better ideas for where the national news should set up camp

Next week, multiple media outlets will swarm our campus in preparation for debate No. 2. Seeing as we hardly have dorm space for our freshmen, we can’t help but wonder where exactly the Big League Chews like CNN and Fox News will spend their on-and off-hours. As always, we have a few ideas for their consideration.

Swamp Creature Friends.

Network news channels need a way to edge out their competition, to spice up their programming, to differentiate from the run-of-the-mill type of election coverage. How, you ask? It’s simple—acrobatics. And where else on campus do they have to fulfill their Cirque du Soleil fantasies but the newest sculpture to grace the South 40? You can climb on it, you can swing on it, and—legend has it—if you look at the forms hard enough, they start to look a bit like Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump and Anderson Cooper.
-Noa Yadidi, Editor-in-Chief

First floor women’s bathroom in Wilson Hall.

This is not so much a bathroom as it is a palace, complete with a porcelain throne. There are three stalls in this bad boy, all of which are surprisingly spacious, but what I’m here for is to talk about is the largest stall nearest the exterior wall. It’s gigantic. I don’t know if the architect who designed this bathroom fell asleep on the plans, or what, but there is more than enough room for a table, chairs and several reporters in there. I’m pretty sure you can reserve the space through Wash. U. Event Management. – Maddie Wilson, Managing Editor

Holmes Lounge.

It’s time that the entire world appreciates just how darn good our food selections at Wash. U. are. What’s better than watching the major cable networks talk about Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump while those delicious Carvery wraps are being made right behind them? We all know that this election can be tiring at times, and there’s no better cure to that headache than a close in shot of your flank steak sandwich coming out of the panini press. – Peter Dissinger, Forum Editor

Student Life office.

You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours (especially you, Anderson Cooper). Our office is already set up with computers ready to slow down right before print deadline, and only two small windows in the back to set the mood for our reportage on America’s especially grim future. We have everything these national news outlets need: camera equipment, Mac OS 7, two printers that mostly work and a pretty nasty microwave in the back.

-Sarah Hands, Senior Forum Editor

The recently discovered bedrock under Olin Library.

It’s kind of a metaphor. Broadcast journalism is the “solid bedrock” on which our political system now rests its weary hopes. What better place to tell the world the news than from the literal bedrock only recently discovered by construction crews?
— Noah Jodice, Director of Special Projects

My apartment.

Come on over, media outlets! You’ll find everything you need in my apartment: a bathroom, a mattress on the floor with no bed frame, cheese balls, a bag full of trash that my roommate doesn’t want to throw out and I don’t want to throw out so it’s just sitting all tied up and sitting in the trash can with another open trash bag sitting on top of it in a trash-sandwich situation and much more! I even recently started growing a basil plant. I don’t know when it’s going to be done growing, so I’m just going to let it grow until it falls out! If you come on over to my place, you’ll have the opportunity to tell me when my basil’s done growing. Anyway, please come to my house! I am lonely and don’t know how to handle plants!

-Rima Parikh, Senior Scene Editor

Transition between Lopata Hall and Urbauer Hall.

What better place to demonstrate the two-party system in America than the awkward connecting hallway between some of the engineering school’s most confusing buildings? Half plain, cold cinderblocks, half normal, friendly Wash. U., this architectural marvel’s sudden split seems vaguely reminiscent of being stuck in limbo between heaven and hell…hey, kind of like this election!
-Aidan Strassmann, Copy Chief

Fontbonne University.

Don’t know where Washington University is? Neither do we! Just set up camp at Fontbonne, and try to ask someone how to get to the debate. I say “try” because there isn’t anyone on the campus. You can just watch the debate on TV like the rest of us.
-Lindsay Tracy, Senior Cadenza Editor

The green rocks near the engineering school.

Those things are for sitting, right? Let me paint a picture for you: Anderson Cooper, standing professionally on the path that bisects the installation. Every other member of CNN’s 34-person hot take team struggling to find seating purchase on irregular objects that appear to be covered in slippery green bathroom tile. Van Jones will find it difficult to look incredulous while he straddles something resembling a 20-sided die and a Tic Tac at the same time.

-Aaron Brezel, Senior Sports Editor

The Bunny.

This may be an obvious answer, but why shouldn’t all the news organizations meet at the Bunny? C’mon guys, let’s not overthink this.
– Wesley Jenkins, Associate Editor

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