Modern chivalry versus modern sexism

The F-Files: Debunking feminist myths

| Contributing Writer

My mother taught me a few things about the way a man should treat me. He should hold the door open and always let me go first. If he walks in front of you as the waitress takes you to the table, that’s how you know a relationship is doomed.

As a vocal advocate for women’s rights, I’ve often been met with “that’s sexist!” when suggesting these few things my mother taught me. While they were simply trying to get a rise out of me, they have a point. When does chivalry inhibit women’s independence?

Some may wonder if this is an outdated principle. This concept developed in a time when women were ladies and weren’t supposed to be able to fend for themselves. A chivalrous man didn’t let his wife work. He would keep the family finances secret from her. She never worked too hard. The more chivalrous a man, the less women had to participate in daily life. Chivalry was used to keep women at an arm’s length. They used respect and politeness as an excuse for believing that women could not handle the day-to-day activities of being a man.

Now that women have made progress and gained considerable rights, the old definition of chivalry simply isn’t applicable anymore. As the times changed, so did the scope of chivalry. Now, chivalry is used to refer to a man being honorable and polite to women. However, just because the definition has changed doesn’t mean sexism is gone. There’s a fine line between what constitutes as sexism and what constitutes chivalry.

To illustrate this, I’ll look at a few classic examples:

Door opening: Chivalrous

A man holding the door open for a woman is perfectly acceptable. It’s a subtle, but pleasant, tradition that can be used an indicator of a person’s character. However, someone who does not let a woman open the door for herself and makes her wait for a man is sexist. If I get to the door first, I’m opening the door.

Swearing: Chivalrous, most of the time

Perhaps not as common, but some people still believe it’s respectful to not curse around a “lady.” This is a personal choice and falls in line with the traditional values of chivalry. This only crosses the boundary into sexism when a man purposefully prevents a woman from hearing foul language. If she wants to see an R-rated movie, then so be it. She’s an independent woman and can make her own decisions.

Not letting a woman pay: Sexist

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, dating is a hot topic. Of course, with dates comes the “who gets the check” dance. Personally, I don’t mind if my boyfriend pays for my meal. I try to pick up the tab every so often, and I think it’s a warm and polite gesture when he tries to convince me otherwise. But if he would ever prohibit me from paying, we would have a problem. Chivalry is a man offering to pay; sexism is a man requiring to pay.

All three of these examples have the same common thread: chivalry becomes sexism when it inhibits a woman’s ability to make her own decisions. This is the overarching theme that defines that fine line. Too often, we can’t see that fine line, because we’re immersed in the situation at hand—it’s easier to see sexism reflectively. I ask men and women alike to keep this in mind. Most situations are far less straightforward than the examples that I just talked about, and everyone has different boundaries of chivalry and sexism. So always ask yourself, “Am I being forced into this decision?” and, if you are, call it out. There won’t be any change if no one realizes they’re doing something wrong.

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