Don’t worry, we hate StudLife too

A particularly inquisitive Yik Yakker posted several months ago, “Am I the only one here who disagrees with just about everything StudLife writes?” No, dear anonymous Washington University student, you are not alone. In fact, you have company from the staff that produces the pages that will soon become your toilet paper.

“I know this is probably an unpopular opinion, but does anyone else think that the sky might look blue?” a fellow Yakker followed up. Again—speaking words of wisdom.

Let us now go through the reasons that Student Life is the worst thing on this campus since the bear cub that gave everyone rabies:

  • With our new delivery service, we’ve helped Residential Life complete its transition into a low-grade Holiday Inn. Housing staff will soon start dropping off terry cloth robes and travel-size shampoo and conditioner when they clean your bathroom. Truly, you should thank us for the transition to free toiletries.
  • In reality, we don’t even have meetings or discussions or anything besides a list of topics on a dartboard. We blindly throw darts at said board to find out how what new way we’ll piss people off each week.
  • Our most devoted readers are visiting pre-frosh and their parents.
  • But not our own parents—even our mothers are too embarrassed to put our articles on their fridges.
  • Our most virulently critical online commenters are actually our mothers.
  • Our office is littered with asbestos.
  • We wrote all of Chancellor Marq Wrongton’s University Announcements before the good one.
  • What the hell kind of name for a newspaper is Student Life anyway?

With all this knowledge that you already had in mind—and that we’re only now repeating because, again, we’re the worst—here’s a list of better uses for your newspaper than actually reading it:

  1. Fold-up sailor hat. Enjoy a romantic paddleboat adventure in Forest Park. Kill the vibe immediately when the hat slips onto your nose and you find your partner making out with Mac Miller.
  2. Chop it up and turn it into confetti. Graduation party? 21st birthday? What better way to celebrate than with our pages ripped to bits on your floor and covered with beer and chip crumbs?
  3. Paper airplane to throw at a professor. The paper will travel further in three seconds than it does in three days from a newsstand to an interested reader’s hands. “Interested reader” may even be an oxymoron.
  4. Makeshift umbrella—mainly for Southern California kids who are too dumb to remember it rains here and walk to class with soaking sweater hoods.
  5. Something to cover your genitals during an anything-but-clothes party. The 1924 editor-in-chief, Orville Trotsky III, first envisioned this usage when he coined the nickname “StudLife.” At the very least, it’s better than a Solo cup.

Last but not least, while we won’t endorse anyone for a Student Union position, we strongly urge you to pick up WUnderground for all your future campus news coverage.

Sign up for the email edition

Stay up to date with everything happening at Washington University and beyond.

Subscribe